Posts Tagged ‘nintendo


The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – Part 5

-Ok, so not only is the entrance to this cave filthy and uninviting, but there is also a plant situated there that is trying to eat me…..Charming.

-Heh, it appears I have discovered the ultimate defense tactic against this plant…. standing just out of its reach.  It must be a shame to be attached to the ground.  Is that the best you got, Handso-


-Oh god….oh god….that…that plant…it utilized some sort of insane maneuver.  It…it had me in its jaws!  I thought I was a goner.  Luckily, I was able to break free (very impressively, I might add), and gave it a good bludgeoning with my wooden sword.  Still….terrifying.

-In retrospect, a better approach likely would have been to use this sling shot that I’ve been carrying around this whole time, and used a ranged attack strategy.  However, the important thing is that I killed it…..I killed it dead.

-Geez, this cave is pitch black.  If I were a smarter man, I would have tried to light this lantern before I entered.

-AIYEEE!!  Something touched me!!

-*ahem*  On a totally unrelated note, there is tall grass in here.  Or, there was.  My sword took care of that!

-Ok, lantern is lit.  Man, it sure doesn’t help the creepiness factor, though.  Ah!  There are immobile torches in here.  Smart.  I can save oil this way, which is good, because it is bloody expensive.  Bloody oil crooks…

-Ooooh, I found some money in the grass!…..Wait….what happened to the people to whom this money belongs….I….I’m sure they just…dropped it.

-It is so creepy in here…couldn’t they have built a path to the temple that goes AROUND the cave?


-Ok…it wasn’t so much a monster, as it was a single bat.  Still!  Bats are so creepy!  Yeesh!  It was the largest bat I’ve ever seen.  Luckily, after a few girlish shrieks, I took care of it.  It’s because I am brave and fearless.  Onward!

-Aha!  Another torch!  Seriously, whoever set up these torches in here, you have my thanks.  Unless it was that guy who gave me this lantern, and charges for the oil.  I wonder if it would have made more sense to charge for the lanterns, and give free oil.  Who knows?  He’s a clever man.

-God, I hate it in here.  It’s so unsettling.  Whoa!!  Another man-eating plant!!  You’re not getting me this ti-

-Ok, he got me again.  But, also again, I took care of it.  So….win-win….chronologically….

-Of course….branching paths.  What would a creepy cave be without multiple ways to proceed, both of them presumably containing certain death?  Lovely.

-Also, as a side note, there are jars in here, that are stuck to the wall with webs.  Which begs the question….where the hell is the spider?  It would take a fairly large spider to stick jars to the wall.  Actually, maybe they’re just cob webs.  Yes….cob webs….someone just needs to clean.

-I think I will goooo…….right!


-I have killed both of them…..excellent.  Still forgetting to use this sling shot, of course.

-Hey!  Looks like I chose the right path… Well, I did choose the RIGHT path, but it also happened to be the RIGHT path.  As in, correct path.  Not just right.  Not left.  Right?  Hmm…Anyway, I consider it the correct path, because I found a small chest with money in it.  It almost makes the whole trip worth it.  Oh god….I wonder how that kid is doing…

-Oh…..another giant spider web blocking the way.  That is comforting….GO FLAME!!

-I know I yelled “GO FLAME”, but really I just swiped the lantern at it, and it burned away.  That’s sort of like wielding it, though.

-LIGHT!  I see light!  Whew….goodbye forever, creepy cave.  Enjoy your spider!!!  Wherever it was.

-Well, it appears that I have stumbled onto one of the most dangerous places I have ever seen.  More plants, of course.  Also, more bats…in the day time.  Everything I once knew, is no more, it seems.

-Oh, also, there are what appear to be goblins here too.  They are the most hideous creature yet.  I told one of them that, and he attacked me!  I took this time to test out the sling shot.  It took about 10 shots, but he went down!  Yes sir, my accuracy is epic.

-Whew, this place is infested!  Seriously, plants and bats everywhere.  Although, they seem very minor now, after dealing with these goblins.  Hey!!  There’s a pair of them.  Let’s do this.

-After many impressive dodges, and flips, on my part, I was able to dispatch both of them with the sword.  They were guarding a gate.  The gate is locked, though.  I tried to reason with the goblin on the other side, but he just yelled at me.  All I heard, though, was “Hit me!”.  So, I did.  I pelted him with sling shot ammo til he stopped moving.  I…am a hero.

-Well, I refuse to believe that I came all this way for nothing.  That kid is around somewhere, and I, being the hero that I am, shall rescue him.  I do not give up.  Except on goat herding, I may give up on that…


The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – Part 4

-I’ve sort of just been walking around, holding this slingshot.  I am waiting for someone to ask me about it, but no one really seems to acknowledge me.  Come on!!  I’m practically a warrior now!

-Oh look, here is Colin’s father.  He left something in my room?  Why were you in my house?!  Granted, I never lock my house, and I’m pretty sure that a key does not exist for my door (We’re not living in a dungeon after all!), but seriously, I don’t walk into your house and leave gifts around!

-Actually, I did walk into his house, uninvited, but I didn’t leave or take anything, I just sort of looked around, and left.

-He’s asking me about the fishing rod, when I have this SLING SHOT!!  Come on, priorities!

-Yeah…you have a good one too….Trespasser Troy.

-HA!  As expected, these kids are totally jealous.  I can only picture what they would do if they had a sling shot.  They’d somehow lose an eye or something, I’m sure.  This girl seems more impressed that I was able to afford the sling shot.  She confuses me.

-These lackeys then insisted on setting up targets all around my yard.  I didn’t help.  The performer doesn’t set up the spotlight, after all.

-Time to show these kids who the real adult is!!

-Actually, that statement didn’t make much sense…

BAM!  Got one!  This girl is freaking out!

-And another!! And another!!  If there were more people in this village, I’m sure I’d be drawing a crowd!!

-Wait, why in the world did I just destroy my own scarecrows?  Dammit…

-Alright children, show’s over.  Please get off my lawn…….now, please….

-Oh, of course.  They want to see what Colin’s dad left in my room while I was out!  The whole situation of that just really seems creepy to me.  It makes me wonder how often he walks into my house, or who else does it.  I don’t think I’ll sleep there for awhile.

-Why is Colin staring at my horse?  It’s amazing…he’s just…frozen…..I think he’s making Epona feel uncomfortable.  Colin seems considerably less enthused about my new sling shot.  Although, he did make me realize that I have pretty much wasted my entire day off throwing rocks around, and destroying pumpkins, to find the money to buy this thing.  Pfft, I don’t even want it now.  Thanks for the fishing rod, kid.

-There is a spider on the ladder to my front door!  What the hell did Colin’s dad do to my house?!  Luckily, I sling shotted…sling shat…sling shet….I utilized my sling shot, and created death for the spider.

-Ah, Colin’s dad carried a giant treasure chest up my ladder, and into my house.  He could have just left a note.

-Well I’ll be a plumber’s brother… Colin’s insane Father dropped a sword off for me.  Granted, it’s made of wood, but it could still seriously hurt someone.  This will do great things for my image.  Sling shot, sword, if I could get my hands on some dynamite, people would really think twice about walking into my house while I am away.

-Well, back outside, I suppose.  Ah yes, the children have already caught a glimpse of the sword.  I suppose I was swinging it around… I wasn’t exactly hiding it.  What can I say, weapons should be seen!!

-I suppose I have time for one more demonstration.  You know, the parents of these kids would be very disappointed to see how much time their children waste watching me bludgeon a scarecrow.

-Showing a group of school children how to properly stab a scarecrow with a makeshift sword, it just….I don’t know… am I a bad person?  It seems inappropriate.  Maybe a vertical slice is more appropriate.  HYAAAH!

-And for the finale, I performed a spin slash, followed by an epic air stab.  Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your time, but again…why are you still on my lawn?

-Hmm, this jumpy kid with the bandana wants to hold the sword…Normally, I wouldn’t give dangerous weapons to minors, however…

-MONKEY!!!  There is now a MONKEY on my lawn!!  Oh, um…the children seem to be….yes, the children have run into the woods, to chase the monkey.  As the adult, I likely should have tried to stop them.  This…may effect my sword image.  Very well, I will retrieve the children, and maybe destroy the monkey in the process!  I will just assume that the monkey is trying to harm them!

-I know it shouldn’t matter, but I think this rescue will look much better if I ride a horse.

-HYAAH!!  Onward, Epona!!  We have some minors to save!!!

-Colin was kind enough to inform me that I was going in the wrong direction.  Now!!  Onward once more, Epona!!  We still have some minors to save!!

-Hey!! There’s the girl!  She clearly got bored of this chase quickly.  However, the other two numb skulls have carried on.  Fear not, Be..umm…Betty?….Brenda?…Bobby Jo?  Fear not, young female whose name escapes me!!  I will save your friends!

-This rescue has been very underwhelming so far.  I just found the smaller kid like 10 feet away.  Although, I see a bridge ahead.  This could get interesting!

-I almost fell off my horse as I rode away…. I hope that my grace of remounting was also noticed.

-Ahh, I just knew that spending countless hours jumping fences aimlessly on Epona would pay off!  Our path was blocked by a treacherous gate, but we overcame it!  If jumping fences could be summed up in would word, it would be “Epic”.  Also, “Jumping” would work.

-Epona seemed reluctant to carry on towards what the sign refers to as the Forest Temple.  I was about to carry on alone, when I noticed this guy!!  We chatted for a bit, and he gave me a free lantern.  This day keeps getting better!  Oh, except for possibly losing a child in the forest.  That may spoil things a tad.

-Ohhhh, I get it now, buddy.  He gives away free lanterns, then charges for oil.  If fire wasn’t so awesome to wield, I would take offence.

-To square things up, I destroyed his scarecrow on my way out.  Thanks for the lantern, guy!!

-And, of course, now I get to venture through a dark cave to reach my destination.  Something tells me that I better get used to this.

-I am sure that in a situation where I hadn’t accepted the lantern from that man, and somehow become seriously injured in this cave, that guy would show up later, and say “You should have taken a lantern!”.  I don’t know, he just strikes me as the type.

-However, wish me luck Epona.  I must now venture forth!  If I survive this, I promise I’ll never make you and I wear matching hats ever again.

-I hate the look of this cave entrance.  Someday, I would like to see a welcoming cave entrance.  It’s always a broken gate, and over grown vines.  Just once, I would like to see a cave with a sign that says “Come on in, buddy!”, and maybe have pie waiting or something.  Oh well, in we go!


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