Posts Tagged ‘blog


The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – Part 4

-I’ve sort of just been walking around, holding this slingshot.  I am waiting for someone to ask me about it, but no one really seems to acknowledge me.  Come on!!  I’m practically a warrior now!

-Oh look, here is Colin’s father.  He left something in my room?  Why were you in my house?!  Granted, I never lock my house, and I’m pretty sure that a key does not exist for my door (We’re not living in a dungeon after all!), but seriously, I don’t walk into your house and leave gifts around!

-Actually, I did walk into his house, uninvited, but I didn’t leave or take anything, I just sort of looked around, and left.

-He’s asking me about the fishing rod, when I have this SLING SHOT!!  Come on, priorities!

-Yeah…you have a good one too….Trespasser Troy.

-HA!  As expected, these kids are totally jealous.  I can only picture what they would do if they had a sling shot.  They’d somehow lose an eye or something, I’m sure.  This girl seems more impressed that I was able to afford the sling shot.  She confuses me.

-These lackeys then insisted on setting up targets all around my yard.  I didn’t help.  The performer doesn’t set up the spotlight, after all.

-Time to show these kids who the real adult is!!

-Actually, that statement didn’t make much sense…

BAM!  Got one!  This girl is freaking out!

-And another!! And another!!  If there were more people in this village, I’m sure I’d be drawing a crowd!!

-Wait, why in the world did I just destroy my own scarecrows?  Dammit…

-Alright children, show’s over.  Please get off my lawn…….now, please….

-Oh, of course.  They want to see what Colin’s dad left in my room while I was out!  The whole situation of that just really seems creepy to me.  It makes me wonder how often he walks into my house, or who else does it.  I don’t think I’ll sleep there for awhile.

-Why is Colin staring at my horse?  It’s amazing…he’s just…frozen…..I think he’s making Epona feel uncomfortable.  Colin seems considerably less enthused about my new sling shot.  Although, he did make me realize that I have pretty much wasted my entire day off throwing rocks around, and destroying pumpkins, to find the money to buy this thing.  Pfft, I don’t even want it now.  Thanks for the fishing rod, kid.

-There is a spider on the ladder to my front door!  What the hell did Colin’s dad do to my house?!  Luckily, I sling shotted…sling shat…sling shet….I utilized my sling shot, and created death for the spider.

-Ah, Colin’s dad carried a giant treasure chest up my ladder, and into my house.  He could have just left a note.

-Well I’ll be a plumber’s brother… Colin’s insane Father dropped a sword off for me.  Granted, it’s made of wood, but it could still seriously hurt someone.  This will do great things for my image.  Sling shot, sword, if I could get my hands on some dynamite, people would really think twice about walking into my house while I am away.

-Well, back outside, I suppose.  Ah yes, the children have already caught a glimpse of the sword.  I suppose I was swinging it around… I wasn’t exactly hiding it.  What can I say, weapons should be seen!!

-I suppose I have time for one more demonstration.  You know, the parents of these kids would be very disappointed to see how much time their children waste watching me bludgeon a scarecrow.

-Showing a group of school children how to properly stab a scarecrow with a makeshift sword, it just….I don’t know… am I a bad person?  It seems inappropriate.  Maybe a vertical slice is more appropriate.  HYAAAH!

-And for the finale, I performed a spin slash, followed by an epic air stab.  Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your time, but again…why are you still on my lawn?

-Hmm, this jumpy kid with the bandana wants to hold the sword…Normally, I wouldn’t give dangerous weapons to minors, however…

-MONKEY!!!  There is now a MONKEY on my lawn!!  Oh, um…the children seem to be….yes, the children have run into the woods, to chase the monkey.  As the adult, I likely should have tried to stop them.  This…may effect my sword image.  Very well, I will retrieve the children, and maybe destroy the monkey in the process!  I will just assume that the monkey is trying to harm them!

-I know it shouldn’t matter, but I think this rescue will look much better if I ride a horse.

-HYAAH!!  Onward, Epona!!  We have some minors to save!!!

-Colin was kind enough to inform me that I was going in the wrong direction.  Now!!  Onward once more, Epona!!  We still have some minors to save!!

-Hey!! There’s the girl!  She clearly got bored of this chase quickly.  However, the other two numb skulls have carried on.  Fear not, Be..umm…Betty?….Brenda?…Bobby Jo?  Fear not, young female whose name escapes me!!  I will save your friends!

-This rescue has been very underwhelming so far.  I just found the smaller kid like 10 feet away.  Although, I see a bridge ahead.  This could get interesting!

-I almost fell off my horse as I rode away…. I hope that my grace of remounting was also noticed.

-Ahh, I just knew that spending countless hours jumping fences aimlessly on Epona would pay off!  Our path was blocked by a treacherous gate, but we overcame it!  If jumping fences could be summed up in would word, it would be “Epic”.  Also, “Jumping” would work.

-Epona seemed reluctant to carry on towards what the sign refers to as the Forest Temple.  I was about to carry on alone, when I noticed this guy!!  We chatted for a bit, and he gave me a free lantern.  This day keeps getting better!  Oh, except for possibly losing a child in the forest.  That may spoil things a tad.

-Ohhhh, I get it now, buddy.  He gives away free lanterns, then charges for oil.  If fire wasn’t so awesome to wield, I would take offence.

-To square things up, I destroyed his scarecrow on my way out.  Thanks for the lantern, guy!!

-And, of course, now I get to venture through a dark cave to reach my destination.  Something tells me that I better get used to this.

-I am sure that in a situation where I hadn’t accepted the lantern from that man, and somehow become seriously injured in this cave, that guy would show up later, and say “You should have taken a lantern!”.  I don’t know, he just strikes me as the type.

-However, wish me luck Epona.  I must now venture forth!  If I survive this, I promise I’ll never make you and I wear matching hats ever again.

-I hate the look of this cave entrance.  Someday, I would like to see a welcoming cave entrance.  It’s always a broken gate, and over grown vines.  Just once, I would like to see a cave with a sign that says “Come on in, buddy!”, and maybe have pie waiting or something.  Oh well, in we go!


The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – Part 3

-BINGO!  I have successfully utilized my new hawk friend into a projectile attack machine!  I tell ya, this grass I keep finding is doing wonders for my image.  Yes sir, this hawk, which I have now named Dogmeat, just soared over, grabbed that baby cradle, and brought it back, right into my arms.  I was actually kind of hoping it would take out the monkey at the same time, but no such luck, I’m afraid.

-I wonder if it really is the same bird every time.  I should mark it or something.

-….Now how do I get down from here?

-Well, I was pretty confident that I could just jump from rock to rock, very impressively, but alas, I missed the roof of the nearby building, and plunged into the water.  Smooth, Link, very smooth.  Now I’m all wet.  Now that I fished the cradle out of the water, I shall return it to its rightful owner.

-I tripped on the way there.  Nothing to panic about.  Man, that lady would have been very upset if her baby was actually in here.

-Out of context, I am sure that seeing me run around, holding a baby cradle in the air, would have caused quite a stir, and gotten some negative looks among the town folk.  Ah, there’s the lady.

-She is clearly impressed by my brute strength, because she wants me to carry the cradle to her house for her.  I suppose I can support it a little longer.

-God, this is heavy.  Are we there yet?  Why does she walk so slow?!

-HEY!  She gave me the fishing rod that her son Colin made me!  You know, for an 8 year old, this craftsmanship is remarkable.  Now, where’s that monkey?

-I don’t know why, but whenever I receive or find something neat to take with me, this tune always plays in my head.  Dun dun dun duuuuun. Weird.

-This man just asked me if I was also planning on putting some bee larva in an empty bottle.  Um, yes…yes of course.  Duh, hehe…

-I have just sort of been running around, carrying this fishing rod.  I do not recommend this.  It is dangerous.  What I’d really like is that slingshot.  Target practice with a fishing rod is frowned upon.

-Geez, this shop keeper lady is so depressing.  I was just hoping she’d have an empty bottle for me to use, and she starts rambling on about her cat again.  Come on, I need something to put this bee larva in that apparently is a really popular thing to do right now!

-I swam back to where I saw that monkey, but he was nowhere to be found.  However, I did find some rocks on the small bit of land back there, and there was money under it, so…yes…not such a wasted trip, is it?

-Incidentally, I have lost the money I found, during the swim back.

-FISH ON!! I caught a fish!!  I was chasing the cat again for a few minutes, then I remembered that I was carrying this fishing rod.  So, I casted out, and within seconds, I had one of those little angels pierced right through the head.  Just beautiful.  Now I am standing here, holding the rod in the air, with the fish attached it, hoping someone will come by and see.  Actually, this cat seems interested.

-HEY!!  That cat stole my fish!!  That little… I just spent 48 minutes finding the courage to remove it from the hook!!  Now he’s gone.  I feel robbed.  I’m gonna march right into that shop and tell that lady what I think of that thieving, filthy cat.

-Hmph, if I was in Albion, I would kick this chicken, out of sheer anger.

Listen lady!! About that cat of yours!!  I…..see…it has returned. Yes, upon arrival at the shop, to yell maniacally at this poor woman, I see my nemesis, the fish thieving cat, calmly drinking milk out of a dish, on the counter.  Apparently, after stealing my hard earned fish, this cat ran back home, and presented it to her owner.  Then, the woman, clearly out of her mind with glee, hands me this half empty bottle of milk.  Excuse me, lady, but this does not fill the void of the fish I lost.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I have bought myself a slingshot!  I went back to the shop to express my hatred for her cat, and maybe even retrieve my fish, when I realized something.  I would rather have something potentially dangerous!!  I have been finding money all over the bloody place, so I exchanged it for this slingshot.  Keep the fish, lady!  Your cat will get what’s coming to it.

-I feel pretty good, right now.  I have a half-drank bottle of milk, and a snazzy new toy.  I feel so dangerous.  I think I’ll go back and rub it in the faces of those little brats outside my house.  Yes sir, nothing is better than making yourself feel high and mighty by showing a dangerous weapon off to some children who could really hurt themselves with it.  Enjoy the little things, that’s what I always say.

-Actually, that’s the first time I’ve ever said that… Dun dun dun duuuuun.


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